Guy Profiles: Jett

Ah, there’s nothing more refreshing than some new dick.

I met Jack totally and completely randomly while at a college graduation party I went to with a friend of mine. I was pretty excited to go because it was an opportunity to meet new people. Not just to meet boys but I had just graduated in the spring and was still with the same people. I just needed some new ones in my life.

The party was cool. There was tons of food there and I’m kind of mad at myself for not smoking before going but I didn’t have any weed on me so I was kind of SOL. But man if I had smoked…let me stop getting off topic.

About an hour and a half later all of us are hanging out and warming up to each other. Then this guy comes walking up the street with a white fluffy dog. “How cute” was my first reaction. I mean, it’s cute when guys have cute dogs. It’s just like them holding a baby. All the girls cooed over his dog and I ended up talking to him for a bit. We had a lot of the same interests which was cool and he even quoted Drake to me. Who said chivalry is dead?

Eventually all of us ended up going to a bar together and buying drinks. I could have kicked myself for eating so much because I got a giant drink and was too full to finish it because I had eaten all of that fucking food. I was mad. But at least I had a good buzz. Me and Jack were still talking the whole time together as well. I was like, this kid is mad cool and I was kind of digging him.

While we were both super buzzed from our drinks we ended up dancing and making out on the dancefloor. I didn’t really want to only because sometimes I care about what people think of me and I didn’t want them to think I was a slut but I was like fuck it. We made out and it was cool.

Since then we’ve been hanging out pretty consistently. He’s a cool guy and we have a lot of interests and I like spending time with him. The only problem I have is the sex.

We have sex, and it’s good for the most part, but I’m never usually satisfied at the end. There’s times where I can really feel things going and then he ends up coming and I completely lose it. And then he doesn’t eat me out. I’ve sucked his dick twice and he just won’t do it for me. Only because he doesn’t know how to do it. And it annoys me because the sex could be a lot better if he did it for me. I know my body and I know that I get off on oral and vaginal sex. It’s almost infuriating when I have sex with him because it’s the same thing all the time.

He says he likes me and I said it back to him but I’m not all the way sure how I feel about him. It’s just a fun time I’m having with someone. Maybe with time, things ill change.

Guy Profiles: Antoine

Antoine is an asshole. But it only made me want his dick more, and you know how that goes.

We met at orientation summer 2009 and I thought he was cute until I really got to know him. He’s mean, rude and pretty much has a really terrible personality even if you know him personally and I thought I hated him until I really started talking to him and then I realized that he is me. We’re both the assholes in our circle of friends, except it works for me because I’m a girl and I’m cute.

His story mirrors Rick, by the time we had sex I had had sex with three of his friends and he knew about it, but that obviously didn’t stop him from having sex with me because boys will have sex with you no matter what. Don’t ever believe a boy who says they won’t have sex with a girl who smashed the homies because they totally will.

It all started one night during Welcome Week when I invited him and Ace to The Vortex. By the time they had gotten there the party was winding down and me and Antoine were in the corner in as deep conversation as you can get in when you’re drunk. We ended up finding out that we had similar personalities and he called me beautiful. I giggled when he said that and by then, I knew we were going to have sex. It was only a matter of time.

At Kiesha’s birthday party, things got a little hot when Ace and Antoine came (uninvited of course I pretty much used Ace to see Antoine but I wanted to hang out with Ace too because he’s my best guy friend but I’m starting to think he’s on to me…) and Antoine and I were talking in the corner again. This time it was dark and we were both super drunk and thisclose to making out and having sex but unfortunately Rose got sick and I had to walk her home. By the time I had came back they had gone and I was mad I had missed my chance. I mean, how hard is it to fuck someone?

Finally, a couple of weeks later, with the help of Devin, Antoine and I finally had sex. Devin and Antoine had been downtown and I was talking to Devin all night seeing what they were doing and finally they took a taxi back to our place where an after-party was going on and the rest is history.

Favorite Quote: “I want to pull your hair and cum on your face.”

Number of my friends he hooked up with before me: 3

Number of his friends I hooked up with before him: 3

 

Guy Profiles: Justin

Justin was Monique’s first real boyfriend who she left me for and pretty much caused our friendship to end because she was always with him. Then somehow, me and him ended up fucking.

I was feeling extra thirsty one Thursday night. Me, Rose and Becky went downtown and got really shit faced (which always seems to happen when we hang out with Becky), and went bar hopping. Everything is kind of blurry but after my seventh Fireball and cranberry, but I remember turning around and seeing Becky make out with Rick (who I had a major crush on freshman year and who was best friends with Leroy. I had sex with six of Rick’s friends throughout college. It’s brought close as friends somehow.), and then Rick comes up to me and asks me for a threesome with me and Becky. Or Me and Rose. Or all three of us and him. Anyway, Rick is another story.

So, I drunk tweeted something and Justin tweets at me and then DMs me and asks me if I still smoke weed and if I wanted to smoke with him. Of course I said yes because who am I to say no to someone who offers me weed? I went over there and we were talking and smoking a blunt and then he confesses that he always had a thing for me but then him and Monique got together. I had no idea about that and also this was a pretty big bomb to drop on me since I was still drunk from the bar and I was really high. I was kind of like “oh” and then he asked if I wanted to go to bed with him and then we just had sex. I didn’t expect his dick to be that big so I had a good time. Then after, I just left using the excuse that Rose was locked out and I didn’t know how he felt cuddling with me. But now that I think about it I should’ve just stayed and fucked him again. He then texted me to keep it between us and I laughed because of course I was. What was I going to be like “Monique,I just fucked your first love, BTW we should totes hang out later!” If anything, it made me feel tingly that he liked me that whole time. So I texted him twice through the next couple of weeks to smoke weed with the intention of having sex after but it never worked out. I saw them together the next week and Justin completely ignored me while I talked to Monique.I didn’t even know if they were together or not at the time but I don’t even feel guilty about it. It’s more funny to me. I’m more mad that we won’t be able to smoke his weed again though.

Number of whiskeys I drank that night: Seven. To justify it, you really can’t just go to a bar and not order at least three drinks.

Most awkward moment: When he didn’t want to wear a condom. I was like dude, I’m your ex-girlfriend’s best friend. That’s gross. Why do boys never want to wear a condom?

What I came home to: As I was crawling into my bed, thinking about the great, guilty sex I just had, my hand touched a pile of vomit on my bed from Becky. I had to wash my sheets drunk and slept on an awkward part of my mattress for the rest of the night. Becky had gotten too white girl wasted.

 

Guy Profiles: Leroy

Leroy is the guy I lost my virginity to. Our relationship was awkward.

When I was a freshman I thought he was so cute. I was totally into preppy black guys at the time and he fit the mold and he had this really awesome bookbag that stood out on campus and he was the only person who had it. I liked that. Well, one thing led to another and I drank too much tequila on a Thursday night and ran into him at The Court and somehow ended up in his bed and sucking his dick (my first time ever!). We fooled around and then I left his room at 6am and I think I went to class the next day. I don’t really remember. Anyway, after me drunk texting him all the time (the thirst was real, but I really just wanted to have sex with him)  we had sex and it was weird since it was my first time, but I enjoyed it. It was a pleasant experience. What happened from there became a summer of me driving downtown from home Monday nights to have sex with him, which went on for about a year and a half. We “broke up” on December 22. I’m totally over him but recently he’s been talking to me again and I know it’s because he wants to have sex with me again, but I can see right through it. Boys are so stupid.

Best Position with Leroy: Him on top with my leg over his shoulder

Worst Position with Leroy: 69, but that’s an awkward position for anyone

Our “Thing”: We used to fuck to Kanye West all the time. Especially 808s and Heartbreaks. (How could you be so heartless…just kidding!)

Fun Fact: I didn’t know he was uncircumcised until our last day together.

Weed

When we first smoked together, we didn’t realize that that would be the foundation of our friendship. People always wonder how we can stand to live with each other but it’s because we’re high all the fucking time. And by all the time, we really mean all the time. No matter what we’re doing or where we’re going, we’re always high. But if you ask us, we’re always going to say no. Weed has probably made us all the friends we have in college. When we first moved into our apartment, that entire summer we smoked out around 7 guys. Some of the funniest moments has happened when we were high. A couple that stand out in mind:

• We were high and we told people to come to our house for a party on twitter as a joke but then a couple of hours later people were at our house twerkin and we didn’t know what was going on.

• That time Antoine and Devin came to our house at 3 in the morning drunk with knives in their back pocket asking us to have sex with them.

• When Felicia found an abandoned blunt on the street and we smoked it in our house.

We’re stoners but we still get our shit done. Smoking weed really makes life better and it’s always fun to be involved in school activities so much better.

Amount of money we spend on weed: The limit does not exist

How often we smoke weed: Only in the evening and morning and all day every day on the weekends.

Number of guys we’ve smoked with: 48

That Night

Where do we even begin? We always talk about this night. To point where our friends are still dying to know what happened. The way we talk about it, you would think it was some Project X type of shit.

What happened: Jo was into this guy, let’s call him Jay. Rose was also really into a guy, we’ll call him…James. So we went out for a night of partying, ended up seeing the two, and invited them back to our place later where they would hang out with us. In the meantime, while we were hanging out on our front porch waiting for them to come over. Jo thought she’d take the edge off by taking a couple of hits before they came over. Rose knew better, but Jo wanted to take hits anyway. Then this huge fight erupted on our block and we had front row seats. Eventually we ended up talking to the boys who were fighting and they invited themselves into our apartment. When Jay and James came over and we kicked our new friends out.

Being totally honest, we hadn’t even thought of what would even happen once the two came over. We sat in the living room awkwardly on our sofas. Jo was struggling trying to talk to Jay because she was so fucking high. Rose and James talked about his new job, and he gave her his business card. This went on for an hour, but it felt like 5. Eventually we were just sitting there in silence…soo yeah. They left, Jo walked Jay to his car barefoot for like three blocks…she was still high. When Jo came back, we just sat there like “what the fuck just happened?”

Things we realized: We didn’t even have a game plan. Rookie mistake. We hadn’t even thought of what would happen once they got there, we were just so obsessed with the idea of these guys we liked coming over.

Scale of awkardness (1-10): 9.5

In Conclusion: This night will always be known as that night. The stories behind Jay and James have become longer since then…but we’ll talk more about them later.